Looking Back
by Shadowed Ember
Summary: Sirius reflects on his life in the instant between the spell hitting him and falling through the veil.


He never regretted it for an instant.

He looked back at his life when the jet of red light struck him, and he thought he wouldn't change much.

If he could, he would have stopped himself from sending Snivellus down the Whomping Willow back in Hogwarts. The Marauders hadn't spoken to him until he had apologized to Snape. And he had meant that apology whole-heartedly. Snape had laughed at him, but the Marauders had accepted him again, even Remus. _God, I'm going to be leaving Moony. Sorry Moony. Last one standing…_

He would have been nicer to Regulus after the kid was sorted into Slytherin. Sirius had noticed that Regulus had looked to him to see his reaction. Sirius had assumed that Regulus was just like the rest of the family. But at his little brother's funeral, Sirius remembered that Reggie's sorting had taken a long time and that what he could see of the eleven-year-old's face had been stubborn and resolute. Sirius could imagine Regulus telling the Sorting Hat that he _had _to be in Slytherin. _He was a good little kid… Maybe if I'd talked to him more, he wouldn't be dead. _

He would even have been nicer to Snape, because now, now that he was older, and dying, he realized that Snape had been much the same as him. A boy, born to an old family, who was unloved. True, Sirius had turned out ok, but then, he had had people to love him. Andromeda. Regulus. And then Prongs. And Moony. And even Wormtail. But Snape's mother hadn't cared, and his father didn't care about anything. And then – losing the girl he loved. Moony had told Sirius that, that Snape loved Lily, many years after Lily was dead. Sirius would have bet anything that it was within a year of that fateful shouted word, 'MUDBLOOD,' that Severus Snape became a Death Eater.

For every thing that Sirius would have changed, there were two that he would have kept the same. Leaving the Most Noble and Ancient House of Black (Oh, the irony - the house would now go to a "half-blood."), making the Marauder's Map, meeting Prongs, and Moony, becoming an Animagus. He could still remember the terror on Bellatrix's face when a large black dog nearly bit her. _She screamed, and screamed, and screamed. That's what she gets, for… _For what? For hating him? For doing what she had been told was the right thing? For making Narcissa be a Death Eater? He didn't know.

But there was one thing he would have changed if it killed him. He should have been James and Lily's Secret Keeper. He had effectively killed them. And it nearly killed him when he learned that Peter had betrayed them all.

For weeks after that, he couldn't remember anything except for Peter. Going after Peter. Trying to kill Peter. Being framed by Peter. Wasn't it funny? One of his best friends had been responsible for two of his other best friends' deaths – and his own incarceration in Azkaban.

Azkaban. It was awful there. He only survived because of Padfoot. Sometime during his twelve years in Azkaban he had started to think of Padfoot and Sirius as different people. Sirius didn't care about much, he just wanted to die. Padfoot could always survive. He didn't like it, but he could. After coming out of prison, he had stopped, mostly, but he still caught himself thinking that way sometimes.

The first time he saw Harry was when the boy was getting onto the Knight Bus. He had thought he was hallucinating – he was too far away to see the eyes, so it looked exactly like James was standing there, and for a minute he'd wanted to rush over and ask James why he was thirteen again.

Padfoot had realized though, realized that the scent of the boy standing there was not his old friend's scent, and Sirius had stopped, and just watched, remembering when James looked that way.

When they were thirteen, they had played a great trick on Snivellus. Moony had bewitched a bucket of water to fall on James and wake him up, and Prongs had gotten a thoughtful look in his eye. During History of Magic, Sirius had received a note. James had asked if it would be possible to do the same to Snape, but add one more element: a shampoo bottle. Sirius had whole-heartedly agreed. It was one of their minor successes, since they were caught and given detentions, but for a year and a half all they had to do was say the brand of shampoo they had used to Snape, and he would turn scarlet.

Funny how he could remember that but not twelve long years in Azkaban.

But his life was mostly good. _Not that it matters now, _he thought wryly. _I'm dead anyway, or almost. There's nothing I can do now._

No, he never regretted it for an instant.

_Prongs, I'm on my way._

AN: Well, after over a year, I am back in business! And for the next story? I'm thinking Andromeda. How exactly do you say her name? Please review!


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